All this while,I was,and maybe I still am,a guy who seeks Happiness outside....Maybe Joy ,as it is called....Weekend or weekday beers,company of the right people,Thrill in LIfe.....and whenever that was amiss,Dark Moods would approach me......
I am going to use a lot of "maybe's" in this text,as I try to relate to people across the board,though,as Hard I try to write for my self,and not for an audience.....But still,I write-for I ,we,Humans,live for parallelism amongst ourselves,to see if we have not fallen out from the favours of being mainstream...
To top up my troubles,I come from an orthodox family,,,or maybe,,,One,wherein ,religiousness was embedded in the mind...rooted deep.....Not about being Hindu,,,but about being Closer to God...and to me,it meant ,closer to my TRUE self....Closer to my own self.....Not wandering much farther from my own vicinity.....
and the world,pulled me hard....made me go out....and my kind of personality helped...Fun Loving,Fun Seeking....Mildly Strange to Frends,Mildly Frendly to Strangers.....
ANd the idea to remain excited,coz ,nobody wants to be friends with a dull looking boy...for the fear of losing company...for the fear of being left alone......for the fear of having to go deep in my own mind that I lose track of whats all around me....for,I was also groomed with events to seek the worldly recognition ...
One friend asked me my fear..and I thought fears are all contextual things....different fears arise in different times....But then ,I think the Fear to be ALONE is my worse....WORSE for my public self....as looms large d chance of my other INWARD self to take over...which is more or less a state of numbness....I dont know ,if it directs me to be UNemotional ...or it finds no Joy in outer expressions like smiling,cursing, exclaiming....But ,there is a lot of peace that ways....and there is need for nothing else...More like relating to the elements than relating to the humans....
it seems....as if I have come far away from the Home of my mind...thinking too much about pleasures and joys....about other people...about having MORE number of people in my life...about partying.....and I am getting so distant from my own sense of being....I can t say That I was an introvert person.....maybe Never..but my best moments of LIfe are the Thinking ones....not the Worrying Ones
and although,i was never away from it,but yes,I see the futility of my outward life.Of CHASING life,CHASING people..CHASING joy......and the whole amount of energy ,i have spent in it.... Paving way for more relations..and more scope of feeling miserable ,when left in my own company....Of being at less Peace within myself....I am a Somebody,who knows his way Home....but wary of going INWARDS...because i may lose the crowds of people around me who see me as a happy go lucky ,beer guzzling ,hard core travel guy and whatever nouns i am associated with..I FEAR that...
beautiful faces,amazing places......maybe I am a butterfly who wants to go back to cocoon .....and to top it all,the pressures of being socially acceptable and recognized.....Gosh,the words of Dalai Lama , OSho and Krishna dont come to much help..maybe I am not well read...maybe i didnt absorb the wisdom correctly......but I am a Yes or No person....middle path was always the worse for me....
I have been of the constant opinion ,that Human life-form is the worst of all,beacuse of the kind of decisions they have to make....because the decisions always involve the Head -Heart combos...or maybe "Head-Heart-Spirit -Lust _greed".....manifestations of the former.....
How I wish to be free from my strings - How I long to be alone - How I fear being Lonely....
Add to that,my seeing similar kind of pictures in other people.....the multitude is endless,but the scope,is limited..The THIN LINE to walk ,is indeed, VERy thin...
but today,I feel like liking the numbness....of feeling no sorrow and no JOy.....of feeling no loneliness in solitude....no seeking no friends, or paying attention to all d glitz that has disrupted my life since many years,...of chasing nothing..its such a light feling...Like Vipassana at my own place,and in my own space.....I so wish to disconnect ......from everywhere else,,and reconnect INWARDS....I have to see ,who is the Person that wakes up TOMARROW.....i have a fear ,that I would not know that person....
Or maybe,I should be open to see,and try a little everyday to know...
BUt ,as i just recall,with all the feats that humans can perform with their bodies and minds...something I assocaite with SPIRIT ..the Full-of-Lifeness thing....Maybe I would lose that SPIRIT ,when I connect within....
As of today,I dont know,where is less to lose....Hope I am a clearer and more Inwardly connected person ,as Life Unfolds
