DAYS

DAYS 


Some days I drink to celebrate the Champion in me .... and some days ,to give company to the loser inside ... lest it NOT die in solitude


Somedays ,there is the curiousity for love ....somedays, anonymity about it ..


Somedays , I start with knowing -it -all ..... and End it ,by learning Nothing

Days I begin as Monk ,,,, and by the Dusk ,I am a Debauched lot


SOmedays , i drink to fill the voids and gaps .... and some ,to get dissolved ...


Days ,when I am powerful enough to show mirror to the world .... and days ,trying to evade my shadow stalking me wherever i go


Days ,when the SUn shines bright to warm hearts .... and when it dries the tears


Days like nights .... Nights like dawns


Days when Butterflies look dragons ..... or those,when Dragons seem fireflies ..... ha haha ... Days when I get humoured by listening to my own breathing ........ and days ,when breathing seems a avoidable effort ....


Days ,when strangers feel at home as if they know me for a lifetime ...Days ,when Lovers feel alienated ..

WHen BLUE seems PINK .... or PINK seems BLACK ... and WHITE dazzles the eyes


Switch ON heart ...Switch Off Mind ..... Go On, Life ...Get Off


A day lived in many Lives ........... A life lived in many personalities .



Days when SUn could lighten my life ..... Nights ,when a single star could guide my journey....


when words give a freedom .... but Arrest the meaning

Dated : 20.8.12  Hour : 23:01

Perils of an Inwards Journey - Paradoxes of a LIfe

Its a era of Hype.....Of getting excited.....

All this while,I was,and maybe I still am,a guy who seeks Happiness outside....Maybe Joy ,as it is called....Weekend or weekday beers,company of the right people,Thrill in LIfe.....and whenever that was amiss,Dark Moods would approach me......

I am going to use a lot of "maybe's" in this text,as I try to relate to people across the board,though,as Hard I try to write for my self,and not for an audience.....But still,I write-for I ,we,Humans,live for parallelism amongst ourselves,to see if we have not fallen out from the favours of being mainstream...

To top up my troubles,I come from an orthodox family,,,or maybe,,,One,wherein ,religiousness was embedded in the mind...rooted deep.....Not about being Hindu,,,but about being Closer to God...and to me,it meant ,closer to my TRUE self....Closer to my own self.....Not wandering much farther from my own vicinity.....

and the world,pulled me hard....made me go out....and my kind of personality helped...Fun Loving,Fun Seeking....Mildly Strange to Frends,Mildly Frendly to Strangers.....

ANd the idea to remain excited,coz ,nobody wants to be friends with a dull looking boy...for the fear of losing company...for the fear of being left alone......for the fear of having to go deep in my own mind that I lose track of whats all around me....for,I was also groomed with events to seek the worldly recognition ...

One friend asked me my fear..and I thought fears are all contextual things....different fears arise in different times....But then ,I think the Fear to be ALONE is my worse....WORSE for my public self....as looms large d chance of my other INWARD self to take over...which is more or less a state of numbness....I dont know ,if it directs me to be UNemotional ...or it finds no Joy in outer expressions like smiling,cursing, exclaiming....But ,there is a lot of peace that ways....and there is need for nothing else...More like relating to the elements than relating to the humans....

it seems....as if I have come far away from the Home of my mind...thinking too much about pleasures and joys....about other people...about having MORE number of people in my life...about partying.....and I am getting so distant from my own sense of being....I can t say That I was an introvert person.....maybe Never..but my best moments of LIfe are the Thinking ones....not the Worrying Ones

and although,i was never away from it,but yes,I see the futility of my outward life.Of CHASING life,CHASING people..CHASING joy......and the whole amount of energy ,i have spent in it.... Paving way for more relations..and more scope of feeling miserable ,when left in my own company....Of being at less Peace within myself....I am a Somebody,who knows his way Home....but wary of going INWARDS...because i may lose the crowds of people around me who see me as a happy go lucky ,beer guzzling ,hard core travel guy and whatever nouns i am associated with..I FEAR that...

beautiful faces,amazing places......maybe I am a butterfly who wants to go back to cocoon .....and to top it all,the pressures of being socially acceptable and recognized.....Gosh,the words of Dalai Lama , OSho and Krishna dont come to much help..maybe I am not well read...maybe i didnt absorb the wisdom correctly......but I am a Yes or No person....middle path was always the worse for me....

I have been of the constant opinion ,that Human life-form is the worst of all,beacuse of the kind of decisions they have to make....because the decisions always involve the Head -Heart combos...or maybe "Head-Heart-Spirit -Lust _greed".....manifestations of the former.....

How I wish to be free from my strings - How I long to be alone - How I fear being Lonely....

Add to that,my seeing similar kind of pictures in other people.....the multitude is endless,but the scope,is limited..The THIN LINE to walk ,is indeed, VERy thin...

but today,I feel like liking the numbness....of feeling no sorrow and no JOy.....of feeling no loneliness in solitude....no seeking no friends, or paying attention to all d glitz that has disrupted my life since many years,...of chasing nothing..its such a light feling...Like Vipassana at my own place,and in my own space.....I so wish to disconnect ......from everywhere else,,and reconnect INWARDS....I have to see ,who is the Person that wakes up TOMARROW.....i have a fear ,that I would not know that person....

Or maybe,I should be open to see,and try a little everyday to know...

BUt ,as i just recall,with all the feats that humans can perform with their bodies and minds...something I assocaite with SPIRIT ..the Full-of-Lifeness thing....Maybe I would lose that SPIRIT ,when I connect within....

As of today,I dont know,where is less to lose....Hope I am a clearer and more Inwardly connected person ,as Life Unfolds

MTV- OFF ROADIE

.

Peace .
For everyday,that I arise I look arnd for wots exciting abt today.so for this particular y’day,it was a show called “roadies” hosted by MTV India….and for whom I wanted to audition.
And yes,this is about this show till d end of this line, rest is abt what it did to me - after I saw on 7:10 on today’s misty, hopeful morning that I wasn’t so “IN”. Suddenly that d mist lifted and d morning was not so particularly hopeful either …..i excuse myself for dat, for dat sort of things was d immediate future to bear with for a Wannabe Wanderer rearing cruising hopes of travelling pan INDIA,THAI,MALAY astride a bike wid an attitude gal(as commonly supposed by all show viewers, but I vouch only for 1st hand exprnc) for a pillion- for sm 10,000 km.

Checking out for M3146 (also,for M3110 for rohtash-in case my frend gets to live dat so macho wildo “vision”),I got grounded …….sadly ,happily or nonchalantly..that’s what I set forth to decide dis morning in the return journey ,courtesy my “take anywheres”- (wich wud only be my legs).

Yes,I want to be Famous,Known and yes,my desire is hugely unsatiated- and often I will to keep it under wraps of complacence.This is was a chance coz only til last evening or in fact the whole day……..I keep scouting at people,makin subconscious calculation ,as in,how I would be “a level up” than most of these other wannabes.And I dint want to fit into d frames dat the Audition judges carried – This type of thing was a role dat my mind played to me all d time,all I had to do was drive some other bike.

So ,when M3146 doesn’t figure in d list my anxiety studded self adulation is puffed out to make space for d urgently requested self help mechanisms titled “VIP handling : for hours of crisis).It train guns at d homely n somewhat puffed (out of her happiness dat Life offered her vis –a vis me, d complaining kinds,and hence sinewy coz I dnt guffaw so often – setting out here to find d oblivious “why” abt it ) lady.



So here’s fate, delaying my pending starhood. I eavesdrop within to understand that I am not ready for it yet. Now, here, as I planned to write this 2 hours ago while strolling in my mental and the city’s municipal bylanes,I said to Bhanu(for God sake that’s my name),to obliterate all the “maybe’s” from this talk, that I had to be sure ,and to express all the Grey spectrum between the Black and The White that happens in me. I pondered at my stakes as a entrant out of 6000 ppl in my city,and d next scene my head chooses to play for me is the singing megashow for wich the youngsters sent no less than 65 million SMSes to choose between one of the two tousled hair cuckoos (they were d current heartthrobs of many a college goin teens and their maternal fraternity- or rather maternity,alike). Stardom stakes for the loser; the ignominy involved (decide by a void of couple of 100 thousand of votes) was far greater than the limelight I wud gather ever in this RoadSHow of mines.But that’s d tragedy of a fame starved mind,wich less unfortunately, is housed in my top slot(why…….becoz I still attach a big ticket to my being red carpeted it to d NEON LIGHT SHIMMERS of gala Cannes dinners n d like)

Again the mental wranglings ,u know,where ur mind continuously plays back d events frame by frame to scrutinize where me ‘n’the Big She dint agree. Ofcourse,when I was writing abt- what’s sex for u,ur biggest weakness, my gyaan abt looking good-I had this shiny pate RAGHU in my head.He surely wud have nodded in his head abt the punk answers dat I served him when I am in my usual raunchy humored self Thats how I was when I logged on to d revered Mtvindia.com.
hey ,wait a minute,as mind sees a mental Red light to stop d train of my thots- was I tryin to live as She expected.One moment of losing suddenly pointed out to a miilion miniscule grains of flaw that riddled my being……… Yes,it always that I and u & we try to funnel it down to that one moment of error ,and save d rest of us ,somehow championing to our egos that we are 99.99 % of OURSELVES- preserving steadfastly our entity,which is often put to tests administered by destiny ,either publicly or privately.
See that’s the power of success and somewhat more powerful is the stress of failure- and of showing them what how I see myself daily- only unbeaten or rather just uncertified to a few million viewers on their TVs that, and that what I was set about to conquer in this morning.Here d mission isn’t to become a ROADIE the next year or subsequently,but how to maintain my progressive stride of positivity immaterial of events and consequences,so that my belief that I am someone, stays intact and grows to being the ONE……that’s why we live when we grow beyond our toys …..and that’s how I like to think of myself.

In a minute,those 30 or so finalists seemingly made me look inferior at d job I thot did and looked best in-being oneself. AND here was I who usual procedure to get prepared, was to throw d preparations to air, never to give myself an idea of the forthcoming so that cliché doesn’t occupy me in d moment called for ingenuinity.And for that one slip,was I willing to let go my way of life, which Providence chose for me,evn lit IT dimly ,so that I always inch to where I need to be, but not strongly enough so that I am sure of where I m heading. I nevr believed in taking lessons for I always believed that lessons are more specific to the times and ambience in which they occur………they are not universal answers,and people wud often mistake to copy them into other times, where they wud be obsolete…….Only thing”universal “ is just a guideline ,a guiding force , so unique and subtle..that we take years to even note if we have one.All have it,but here we often talk or lead to need Quicker results……..with a common symptom that must appear……….MONEY or FAME and often both

i am running too.jus tht smtimes i hv a chance to stand out n see myself passing.

Who am I....is the qstn most ppl ask me &

What am i doing......is wht i ask myself smtimes.



Where is d end of it all......at what moment willl it stop ,so that i can race myself till there n fall on d gravel,tht its over.And another day,as consciousness hits me,d clock starts to tick,d race of my mind begins......what is it that i want today that will make me happy......wish life was as simple enuf as wayside labourers or the ants that circumvent me n my rommates bedding to ferry food.